Sometimes my faith life is like playing whack-a-mole. As soon as you knock one doubt, or concern, or problem on the head, another one emerges somewhere else.
Today I realised I may never reach the ideal point that I wanted, the point where there are no more moles. I may never have it all figured out. Maybe I don’t need to have all the creases ironed out in order to have a faith I can be proud of, a faith that works, a faith that is enough.
Reading the God Delusion has brought another facet of my faith to my attention. I believe because I want to believe. I believe because I give people – everyone – the benefit of the doubt. I never take the standpoint that anyone is wrong; and when I listen to people, I find ways to make what they say true, rather than trying to find ways to make them wrong.
Now that I am in a new church, I’m aware that I’m trying to make my faith fit the mould. I’m being confronted with new ideas about what life should be like, what God is like, and who Jesus is. When I have doubts, I feel like I have to make myself believe. And then I find ways of making all the pieces fit.
And I’m not doing it anymore.
I’m not playing that game anymore.
If there’s something I don’t believe, I’m not going to sit there and try to make myself believe it. I’m going to disbelieve. I’m going to disagree. I’m going to figure out for myself what the reality is.
Maybe that will take some time. Maybe it will be uncomfortable. Maybe I will be tempted to pick up the mallet and whack all the moles away.
But maybe it will be worthwhile just to realise that even if I don’t hit them, they will still go away and it won’t even bother me.