Ruminations

The chewy thoughts of a queer Christian

Archive for the tag “coming out”

You’ve got to be yourself

I called this blog Ruminations. When cows chew and chew and chew on grass, it’s called ruminating. This is a question I’ve been chewing on for a long time:  What does it mean to be yourself? Can we ever really be free?

These things move within you as lights and shadows in pairs that cling.

And when the shadow fades and is no more, the light that lingers becomes a shadow to another light.

And thus your freedom, when it loses its fetters, becomes itself the fetter of a greater freedom.

– Kahlil Gibran: The Prophet, On Freedom

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Grassroot

“So do you think X is hot?”

“Ummm… I’m gay.”

That is exactly how it went.

I had not planned it. I had not carefully thought over the words. I had not considered his views or my image.

I was shocked at myself. Every time you come out, it’s different. Coming out is a continuous process and a continuous choice, not a one-time event. This time I was direct, spontaneous and for the first time, abruptly presented with my (still relatively new) identity.

“Do you know, you’re my first gay friend? …If you’d told me like two years ago I would have been, like, ‘I hate you’.”

Changing minds, one at a time. This is what a social revolution looks like on the ground.

Pride

Inspiring as they may be, I don’t think Pride Marches really further the social acceptance of the LGBT community.

Friends Indeed, or, Answered Prayer

Sometimes I wonder about whether praying makes any sense. I pray to understand God’s will. I also pray for things. If I pray for things that are already God’s will, surely they will happen anyway? And if I pray for things that are not God’s will, surely they will not happen?

Matthew 21:22

Either way, an answered prayer is a good sign. And right now I am amazed at God for answering.

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Whenever I see the rainbow

The office where I work is plastered with rainbow flag stickers. The notice board has a thick copy of the inclusion policy stapled to it and one of my favourite Stonewall posters ‘Some People Are Gay. Get Over It!’, is pride of  place in the centre.

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The Wanting Lens

Urban dictionary defines gaydar thus:

The ability/gift of being able to detect homosexuality in other people.

When I was coming out to myself, I would notice gay people in the street or on the train sometimes. I was scared of becoming like them: effeminate, fashionable, and… there was something else. An odd something I couldn’t quite put my finger on that I knew I didn’t want to embody and somehow associated with gayness. I now, however, have a name for it. It is The Wanting Lens. The funny thing is, I assumed that everyone with The Wanting Lens was gay, and did not even consider the multitude of gay men (closeted or otherwise) that passed under the radar completely.

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Introductions are in order

I have often been told that I should blog. I have tried once, unsuccessfully, to get one going but otherwise have never really felt that it was the right time. Recently, though, I’ve had some pretty good thoughts which I’ve considered to be of blogable quality and I’ve finally decided to start getting them onto digital paper.

Who am I?

I’m a young guy who’s been trying to figure out the world for a while now. I’m fascinated by religion in all its various expressions and I consider my life to be characterised by my search for meaning and connection with the Divine.

I come from a conservative religious background which I think has done me both a lot of good and a lot of harm. I love that I consider God to be important, that I’ve learned that love is more important than anything, that materialism is not where it’s at. I regret that I’ve learned to see the world as hostile and dangerous, that I’ve prioritised a relationship with the divine over relationships with people, and that I’ve come to know the terrible meaning of the words ‘internalised homophobia’.

Coming out hugely changed my life and has, since, caused me to 1) find Jesus and be, I suppose, born again; 2) reject organized religion, pretty much; 3) be comfortable with myself and honest with my friends.

I consider my thinking to be influenced mostly by (in no particular order) Eckhart Tolle, Khalil Gibran, Steven Covey, the Bible,  Moon, Buddha and probably Consumer Society.

So, let’s wait and see what happens next ^^

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